A bird sings

It's Nearing time to pack & go..........................

2010-07-05T05:32:00.000-07:00

I opened a box the other day & was a taken back for a moment, that I shut the lid back down fast on the box....
I needed to take another glimpse in that box as I thought that I saw my soul...
I had not noticed it was missing as part of my life....

Yesterday or was it last week, I opened that box again & took out the remanants of my soul...
Oh how it needed some nourishment..

I was so fed up with my life and all the crap that seemed to appear so darn often... I needed to go to escape from this little inland village miles form anywhere that mattered....
I was over the flies,
the bottled water,
the summer's heat...
the long drives back from where I had gone...
None of it held enchantment anymore...

But I had kind of settled in because it was simpler than finding what was missing or what could be out there........
Now my bags are packed in my mind I am moving on.... & it feels fantastic !!!!!!!!!!!!!

But where did I want to be ??????????? I took to some journeys overnight & in the day to look over beach spots and mountain places & I felt something of a failure and a vagabond who kept walking because I had no where really to go to or to be.

Then I took a look at where my next place was orginally going to be.... before black mould in a beach huse

Looking out into a New Year with a friend

2010-01-01T18:02:00.000-08:00

Looking forward to what a new year has in store is always exciting.
Very few threads to tie one... ( don't mention the Money word...)
There is a brand new look to move towards, or maybe step back & kind of settle after a tumultious time... or graze over one's options.
These options can be big or petite.. such as a new hair cut or colour, ... or it can be finding a new place & way of living to be in or maybe begin anew in a different country... or travel to countries that you have always wanted to do....
For myself I am rustling up thoughts of moving house ( again ) !!! How exciting don't you think..? It won't happen until later in the year I guess, but I need to have a lot of thoughtful ???? preparation in place... as work gathers momentum as the year rolls on....
A friend's daughter has been critically ill before Christmas & is in the recovery process... young woman with 2 young children... that is such a pace to keep up.. managing & paying for a home, caring for the children & herself & working fulltime...

In the depths of her illness when things looked grim I was trying to think of some good words for her.. but I got to speak them to her on the phone after the core of the illness was discovered .. & she was discharged from hospital...
This is what I said "GRASP LIFE WITH BOTH HANDS AND GO AND ENJOY" "don't worry the children will follow and will happily survive"

I pass that onto myself and to all... what would you all do if you could just grab your life & own it ????
HAPPY NEW YEAR

I was musing

2009-10-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday.... I was musing & thinking of several of my friends who are venturing into new lives ... experiences... & wondering how it was all going.

As I stepped over the threshold carrying a cane laden basket of crisp sun dried laundry ... it came to me, that these folks & many of us more are rather unique people.
Doing these things alone is not always beer & skittles as one of my work trainers said eons ago... as he lurched a load of reluctant public servants into a new era...
It is scarey and exhilorarting stuff.
Where the emotions run from the first buzz... then the cold icy blood shoots to your toes... then the dogged plod to get from A to dry land again... floating in holding patterns tests everyone...
But once on the otherside there is rarely time to sit and reflect on it all as one has to hit the ground running.

These unique ladies... have just begun new journeys... with a:
* guest house,
* has sold a business & will begin study in the new year as well as work in the business that was sold...
*India on a textile tour is another destination that begins today.... I applaud their courage to change their direction, their sense of self, their inner beauty.... and I wish them the best the world can offer....

Bridges crossed or to passover

2009-10-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

BRIDGES... many we have crossed and more will arise to pass over into new places....

Just think how many times we have metaphorically crossed over a bridge because we had a choice, or it was the best option or it was the only way forward.

Sometimes I have pondered on a bridge & watched the water rush by, always going some place... except in droughts where the water became in some cases a pool of stagnant water.

Just as in our lives sometimes we have these flurries of enormous change & then that settling period to sometimes ( I smile) it too becomes the ho hum everyday.

I bought a sweet little book of days on the weekend & has well thought out entries... I opened it at random while I ate lunch the day I bought it & there at number 44 was... It is ok to make U Turns in life ......... I loved that meaning.

It went on to say how it takes courage to change one's mind... and I now rest my case... cross a bridge today... watch what is about & under you... and how it feels to be able to get to the other side of a divide !

Teachers arrive when one needs new lessons

2009-10-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

How wonderful it was to gaze into this mandarin tree, laden with the colours of it's fruit.....

it has stood bearing fruit for many many years through waterlogged years & dustbowl years & some beautiful perfect years... just like people really there are many seasons we all have lived through & each one day is different from the next.

As I wrote that I wondered about perhaps how some keep each day so tightly controlled that the predictability is their safeness.... the day begins at the exact time as yesterday & then one's routines begin. Ah now I understand how some get so upset when the daily newspaper is not on it's standard arrival time of 6.43 am precisely. I seem to like to listen in on these complaints in newsagents whereever I am... they are the same melody....

Why I returned to write a second rambling today was I have ordered 2 books from Amazon on women living single lives. You know how when the student is ready & the teacher arrives... in the newsletter filled usually with decor books to tempt me came a whatever thing on living singularly... intrigued I read the blurb.. & then roamed through several books... coming back time & time in the followings days until I did select 2 which are now happily on their way.....

I am interested as others tell their stories... I love that the best in books today... it for me gives inspiration, it often normalises who I am & I love to read what we all think of our own lives as ordinary... I so enjoy being in these lives as I think they do write with honesty

Which is a thing for me.... I kind of understand this some more now as I spoke to a great aunt & she tells wonderful stories as she talks & weaves a beautiful tapestry of life that my genes are linked to ... an ancestor from Ireland was a Quaker & she spoke & possibly lived with the ways of quakers... never a lie to be told has come down through several generations... given one's word is another that I wrestle with... and as I meet more of the links I see the openess to people that comes with one's word is always good & honesty is a virtue to behold & here we are very trusting & open folk... with a private side of course that each respects & comprehends this to be so... small traits passed on.

SNOWPEAS

2009-10-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

The day has begun with gentle drip drop of rain.. and now it has a steady rhythm on the tin roof... a snug feel.

Today I love it & after some years of drought the sounds of rain are like natures' symphony....

I open the door this morning to find to my utter delight a blackbird on the wood stack by the door.... it is a silent moment for us both before he takes flight....

Snowpeas are a gift from my neighbour ... the lovliest of surprises are gifts from another's soul...

It is to be taken as an exchange ... how it reminds m, as a child when making friends... that new experience as 4 & 5 yr old as one extends the gift of sharing what toy I had to another with absolute good faith.

This is what I measure generosity by... it is given.. my hand is turned upwards & open....it has no threads of conditions ..it is just pure & simple a gift.

We all have gifts to offer another, some have enormous gifts of time... to give to another. Some cook wonderfully & their kitchens are always open... others push bunches of flowers into one's arms & we laugh.... The snowpeas came with abundance... I felt gratitude that I was thought of to be given so many wonderfully freshly picked produce...

In a busy world we often forget to just be who we really are... the opening of one's heart to the pure ( as in not altered) giving and also of recieving gifts is a delicious nectar.

Bees have a compass to

2009-09-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

Each season renewal does occur... even if it is a little battle scarred from the events of the previous season.
I renewed myself a little by taking off to the beach for a few days... collecting some favourite books & magazines & a journal & the fountain pen... I adore the flow of the ink when I write with these..
Then at the beach I explore or visit bookshops, newsagents, gift stores & the food supermarkets have different things in different areas...
I read, I drive, I walk the sands.... & within a day I feel the lawnmower episode fade....
That was redeemable, the lawnmower..how wonderful repair people are... whew !

It disturbs me at times as people grope to being a single lady in a world that appears to be connected... some must have an illness to distract them, others have bad experiences that have certainly messed with their minds for a time, others are in earnest to find a replacement partner... & some toss in excess work.... most are grieving a loss of one sort or another.

The ones I feel for are those that have totally lost their compass... there is no direction . there is no sense, there is vulnerability..there is a sense of being only half a person... the sun neither rises or sets... each day clouds over very quickly....

Take your compass, and go away from the known, no matter how scared you may be, how ill you may feel, how poor you really are.... go...by car, by train, bus, ask a friend to drop you & collect...
Go be with yourself & start to connect with the world out there... smile at the other lady struggling with a parcel & her gnarled body.... smile at the next one as you bend forward to pick up milk in the supermarket or corner store... turn off the mobile !
Be really brave & in no time that earns a little to the compass of your life.

Lawn mowers & instructions for blondes

2009-09-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

Enjoy the blossom while I have a grumble...

LAWNMOWERS... brought a brand new one last week..after considering the cost of a service industry to cut down the weeds every 2nd week in summer with no drought.
There was a huge stress on adding OIL to it first before starting both at store & on some strategically placed yellow strips on mower.

So I have oil & fuel & mower & 2 instruction booklets both in have a bet each way... instructions for this or that model.
Some pictures & numbers of the components but no legend..just read through all the jargon ..even how to start was buried in the small print...
So what did blondie here do... when looking for oil spot & tried some thing with 2 black covered screws & couldn't undo so figures it is immoveable.... find a cap & pour a lot of oil in !
Then I go to put fuel in & am roaming around this green monster & back to books to finally dreadfully realise I have put oil in the petrol tank.

What I said was not in their instruction book....
Done now & maybe my dough too.... but fortunately there is a lawn mower service man in town..who may be the saviour of all single blonde women.
IF I WAS INTERESTED IN MECHANICS I WOULD HAVE BEEN SO COMFY WITH THIS WHOLE THING.... But I get my car serviced regularly for precisely this point... I don't know... don't want to know but nowadays a lot of technically or mechanical stuff is foisted apon us....
EG Get the right digital set top box for area etc etc tune it in... where & what are we teaching ... that isn't progress it is retards doing poor manufacturing & usually off shore that is international & translated to some poor standard & no guarantee re warranty & what is that worth if the multi nationals go broke in this the economic crisis... things cost good $$$ are manufacture cheap as can be & then foisted off in mega stores .. why do we take this ???

I hear the blackbirds

2009-09-03T02:25:00.000-07:00

I hear the blackbird's clear spring song fill the air & it brings much happiness when I hear it.
The clarity, the music it is pure joy... and I never mind if he or she forage in the garden beds...
it is part of that bird that sings beneath my window

Come to the edge....

2009-09-03T02:09:00.000-07:00

' Come to the edge' he said.

'I am afraid'

' Come to the edge' he said

She Came

He pushed her

and ...

SHE FLEW

This is a quote I found quoted in a book called a Year in Sunshine

I need to check on title..but magic book.

This quote says for me..when we are enticed in life to stretch way beyond our known boundaries.

It is scarey stuff to go over the edge & one cannot wind oneself back.... flying is the best option as it is so UPLIFTING, EXHILARATING.... & PLAIN SCAREY... but life changing....

So when faced with a weird scarey thing.... take a deep breath & fly..flap as fast as you can...& if you are in luck some gorgeous soul will blow air into your wings

a tree spreads it's branches

2009-08-15T15:16:00.000-07:00

a tree spreads it's branches...
...to let in sunlight and to shade and shelter in hot times.... at times lichen grows ... it is all beauty... sometimes so simple it is hard to see.

Today is here & I have worked through some of the sense of failure I felt in chosing the wrong place.

However I will say that instinct is so strong... I am stone deaf ! No I did hear it but berated myself for being so precious.

There was an uneasy feel about moving to that house... the closer this got the unease settled around me like that fog I drove in.... I couldn't see any reason & was questioning "how come you have lost your spirit of adventure & of HOPE "? ..I have a + on that....
Purchases were difficult to be delivered, obstacles happened & at last all was delivered ..which now needs to be picked up... the notice to give to quit, the reluctance to begin to pack...the sheer lethargy....
The overide was the yearning to be resettled..to explore ..to breathe some new life into my soul..

I may have been a little foolish but I do not think so... who would have known, we, strangers in town...what person would have felt safe to tell, in case we were part of it all.....that is not a world I inhabit & are very niave in that sense......

the drive was a long one

2009-08-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day that I wish had not happened....perhaps I should learn to read the signs or maybe write my plans..declare what my wants & needs are...?

The jug, not quite 6 months old decided to stop boiling water in between my 2 vital cups of good tea in the morning. I boiled water in a saucepan... so had that cup of tea.

Onto the roads filled with pea soup fog.. the ones where the world closes right in & scenes are some dotted lines on the road.. & slow driving..startled every so often with the headlights of a truck or car. I took a road higher up to cut across to unfamiliar places... & finally made it to the destination.

My new abode for a very short time, a stop over on my way to find a different life. I was feeling a strange apprehension about living there. I thought I was just being silly, new surrounds, not where I had wanted to be, it was much closer to the things I yearned for & to separate myself from what the hometown had woven their identity of me, not who I was.... besides I miss urban life.

I mopped & scrubbed the floors, benches & open shelved cupboards clean..while my support did curtain hooks to at least cover windows at night..to feel snug & secure in a strange place... is so vital for me...

The chap who was going to mow the lawns came by as we came in, with news of mowing... and what I was to move in beside...drug dealers....
" oh they keep to themselves, probably won't bother you... woman has done time a couple of times & son steals, but not locally..goes away to do that..." novel ideals I thought.

But in those words I was more apprehensive.... the mop was swung ... as I felt numbed... I so wanted to weep profusively as this was not what I had anticpated..
I had felt a dread for days on waking & not organising a lot. reluctant to move forward.
And that is what I had put it down to... but instinct is a most amazing thing....

Some tears crept from the corners of my eyes as I drove the lonely wide open plains back to whence I had come.... but I had things to do in the shops on arrival & red swollen eyes & nose were not how I wished to present.

I need to go ponder this & try & sort out some staying put for a few more moments.
I feel a bit of a failure today & the elastic on my soul is pulled so tight...

I share this saying

2009-08-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

I QUOTE from a pin card of ballet shoes copyright The Baroness Collection

" THE DANCE"

As life moves along, and

You come to the time

When the way to the top

Seems too steep to climb

Move out of yourself, be

surrounded by light,

By music, and weightlessness,

Ready for flight.

In your mind, in your heart

And in your dreams, be a part

Of the twirling, the floating,

The gesturees of "Dance"

Wear this pin to remind you

That life never stands still;

You make changes and choices

To see dreams fulfilled."

in between premises

2009-08-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

I am moving into a small light filled elderly miner's cottage for a short term as I try & crack the real estate code in a particular area. It is really quite a sweet house, yet I was for a pretty new townhouse this time & need to turn my thoughts to cottages again....
I draw much inspiration & settled thoughts from one of my single friends who lives behind her business in a small flat that she has made into a comfortable nest...
I have watched her transform this space into all one needs.... it is comfortable, minimal funds spent etc etc...
SO how much space does one person need. I do not long to rattle around a large home anymore... not sure what I will fit into...but worth some trials.
GARDENS are fine in tiny allotments now... where once a vast block was planted to within an inch of it's life...that is a piece of the past now....

and then there is changing light bulbs

2009-08-04T23:53:00.000-07:00

Light bulbs is another thing I really don't like doing... but one could be sitting in the dark for a long time waiting for some tall male to drop in......

I turned off a light last evening & pheff it blew out... managed that one today. With the longer lasting bulbs that is a god send as they rarely need changing !!!

Choices

2009-07-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

Choices, this can be about so many things, when in solo life. Choice to eat & well, or pluck at fruit or the worse other sweet things... no one monitors one's behaviour so our standards are set by ourselves.
We can go to bed early & rise late, but if it is a cup of tea in bed..you need to get up & make it & take it back to bed.. breaks the spell a bit.

Our social engagements are totally our decision, except when some folk think because we are single we are in need of all sorts of comapany... that a drop in centre becomes somes mentality... or you will look out for old Mr or Mrs so & so because you are ALONE !
Hello... because we are ALONE we need that time to do all the chores & to sit occasionally with a good book, not take care of other's responsibilities...
so then we are labelled as SELFISH.. I say so be it as it takes me a mountain of effort to be "selfish"
A majority of my single friends run businesses.... often alone... and successfully so. Often very balanced in that thought region, ego firmly intact & not needing to dance on some stage under bright lights..which is a moment not a lasting feel...& leaves many empty without any sense of self....

Pears this day

2009-07-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

Morning . Pears today .. marked a little but shaped in elegance..
The following colouring book look is a gem conversation from a fellow traveller...

As I was ambling through the bush on Sunday I was thinking about love - and life!! And then I read your new blog this morning, which I love, and will follow with interest !
YOU said a lot of what I was thinking - I have made my life what it is and I am pretty happy with it - it's not about being independent is it ? - it's about owning your life.

I feel like I do own my life, okay, some of my decisions have maybe not always been the best, but they are all part of living it aren't they ?

But I really like the bit your wrote about sore arms and shoulders sometimes when the load is a little heavy - yeah!
Sometimes it is, but you know what I really like, is that we always manage to carry the weight of whatever is burdening us, get through it, and that's really powerful I reckon (even if there are a few late night tears!).
I wouldn't swap life for something less meaningful, even it is does mean no warm chest occasionally to snuggle up to.
I will only settle for a warm chest that loves me to bits!

Only a few strawberries left

2009-07-25T17:04:00.000-07:00

The morning is cold, dull and I am restless... I want to wander through life's thoughts and maybe have a theme... bit like putting a dollop of cream on the strawberries...

WOMEN WHO LIVE SINGLE LIVES, well no I may want to include men in this topic also... we'll see.

I have met & walked along side many single friends & aquaintences.... we are often restless... as well as often content.... isolated... standing alone.. but many many are focussed on making sense of the life they find themselves in.
I discovered this in those early seasons of aloneness, when the walls closed in & I felt so wretchedly alone... where the tears fell in copious amounts all day..where one's heart broke.
I guess one can go on like this & fall into a sodden pile on the carpet of the alien house one finds one in... friends of warmth are all far away... no-one near you knows you or you also will keep a guard up... so they will never know ...
Often we are spoken of as INDEPENDENT.... how I hate that description... my friends & Ie have often had discussions on this topic & the only reason we appear independent is there just isn't anyone here to wheel the garbage bin out or nip up to buy a litre of milk during a chef's extravaganza... or dare I say it... some soft chest to cuddle into for a moment..just to catch one's breath...

But we are STRONG ... as life has strengthen us to a point we never were expected to reach, we have a little backbone... stiff & rusty it feels at times as the weight we sometimes carry is heavy... or our arm gently holds another up for a moment as they trip over their feet... we laugh...
We share special moments....

Welcome to a bird sings...

2009-07-25T16:01:00.000-07:00

WELCOME... to my new song.
I love the strength in the colour red & sometimes we need little symbols of strength to walk along with us on our life's passages... so this morning I begin my day with RED strawberries.. here have one I have many to share....