the drive was a long one

Yesterday was a day that I wish had not happened....perhaps I should learn to read the signs or maybe write my plans..declare what my wants & needs are...?

The jug, not quite 6 months old decided to stop boiling water in between my 2 vital cups of good tea in the morning. I boiled water in a saucepan... so had that cup of tea.

Onto the roads filled with pea soup fog.. the ones where the world closes right in & scenes are some dotted lines on the road.. & slow driving..startled every so often with the headlights of a truck or car. I took a road higher up to cut across to unfamiliar places... & finally made it to the destination.

My new abode for a very short time, a stop over on my way to find a different life. I was feeling a strange apprehension about living there. I thought I was just being silly, new surrounds, not where I had wanted to be, it was much closer to the things I yearned for & to separate myself from what the hometown had woven their identity of me, not who I was.... besides I miss urban life.

I mopped & scrubbed the floors, benches & open shelved cupboards clean..while my support did curtain hooks to at least cover windows at night..to feel snug & secure in a strange place... is so vital for me...

The chap who was going to mow the lawns came by as we came in, with news of mowing... and what I was to move in beside...drug dealers....
" oh they keep to themselves, probably won't bother you... woman has done time a couple of times & son steals, but not locally..goes away to do that..." novel ideals I thought.

But in those words I was more apprehensive.... the mop was swung ... as I felt numbed... I so wanted to weep profusively as this was not what I had anticpated..
I had felt a dread for days on waking & not organising a lot. reluctant to move forward.
And that is what I had put it down to... but instinct is a most amazing thing....

Some tears crept from the corners of my eyes as I drove the lonely wide open plains back to whence I had come.... but I had things to do in the shops on arrival & red swollen eyes & nose were not how I wished to present.

I need to go ponder this & try & sort out some staying put for a few more moments.
I feel a bit of a failure today & the elastic on my soul is pulled so tight...